Yesterday I died

Yesterday when I died, you cried in my burial. But I didn’t see you in any part from above. You cried in my burial, I tell you. But then you went with her and then… and then I felt like a piece of trash. Our love was so strange.

Now tell me why is our song still there. The radio and waves are lost.
I can see you from above.

We are not angels that came from the sky. We are just normal people that have to die.

My dreamt became truth, that bloody Chinese airplane crashed and I had forecasted it, or maybe my premonitions. I don’t understand why did not I tell you my true feelings, I guess I was a coward.

But you were with her… and then I felt wordless, my hands trembled every time and my heart beat and beat.

Now my question is, did you cry for love?

Now I wanted to know… cause it is worth it to know how did I die, loved or not. But I did loving.


There was a time were I felt that connection, were I did know it existed…
Now… may be it wasn’t.

As I dissipated as a soul and went further and further away from my corpse, then I understood, that it did not matter, that I did my part and that I enjoyed that uncertainty. My family treasured me and that was enough. You were part of my family.

No it is not worth it… Shh

I’ll see you in some years here with me.

Yesterday, I died.

For beeing such a good boy.

Me muerdo un labio para recordar el sabor de la sangre.
Me como una lagrima para recordar el sabor de la tristeza que me produjiste.
Me veo al espejo para disfrutar el sollozo, y dibujo con tu oleo.

Te has estancado… es la pregunta… es la respuesta… es la incertidumbre.

Hace tres anos que hiciste lo mismo. Ahora conoces el tiempo, la cura, la matriz de todos los miedos.


Supuro salivad de aquellos momentos entorpecientes de emoción y trastorno. De que sirve si no se vive. Por que no hay coraje, ni enjundias ni ímpetu sin fulcro. Se balancea tanto, aquellos sentimientos . Cierro un cluster y abro otro.

Aprende… depura… aprende… depura… aprende…. Monotonicidad

Two jerk horses speak while biting. Let us puke.

Hello Milk Boyhello bloody flavour sounds rather unappealing to be honest Thats the point oh really? surprise surprise i hadn't thought of that thank you for your clear explanation and understanding still selling money? yeah still selling Mexican products? or serving food ? yes my dear, we are british, not mere common north americans i actually do neither of both but good try it proves an effort of the mind Sometimes you have to lower the level, as you may or may have not noticed oh but my dear chap, i always have to lower my level, but then again no need to discuss such trivial matters tell me how much money you make by...selling more money?Enough to buy more things, so others make more money. You see... now I am proud.proud of owning material are we? i guess such things are necessary when having a bloody mouth Proud of owning MORE than others. Things that are ALWAYS necessary and that give you confidence, otherwise we will be smashed. The BloodyMouth is just the counterpart that comes as an aditament, sometimes necessary to remember that you feel, after buying. so if you do not own you will be smashed by..? because as i recall, owning leads to be smashed by greed, similarly reflected by your greed for flesh Indeed my friend. Smashed by the inner self, and other inner selves.Owning makes u happy. The sense of property gives you power, yes and it reflects your greed for flesh.so because you seemingly are disposesed both emotionally and physically, you feel this drive of buying material posessions with the foolish hope of attaining a higher state and trying to prove yourself worthy of something both to yourself and to other? can you really be smashed by the other inner selves if you needn'tknow them? do you not need to know yourself first of all?Maybe I should buy myself.... maybe I'm fooling others. Maybe i justplay their game, maybe im just a material posession of somebody else.Maybe you dont realise about it. Maybe I had beed smashed. Maybe I a ma Financial Economist and i live in my lies. I am nothing and i won'tbe, I'm worth a damn, but I sell money for those who don't have the correct currency, for those "those" and those "those"you are in doubt about yourself and about your destiny. Think wisely on what you think you are and what you think you want to do. Maybe Im just playing, and thats life. Maybe we are just having a mental masturbation with phony funnyideas.... these conversations with you include the circle were sometimes we puke, and where sometimes
The life is thresholds and milestones.

La luz es rosa en London Bridge

Que me das que te doy la carta. A que si te llevas un susto, a que comienzas a escrutar respuestas. A que no te das cuenta de ello. A que no te atreves. A que ahora si quieres ser feliz. Y a que no puedes.

Me sente en la silla morada.... al umbral de la luz.
A la orilla del Tamesis, a observar la luna y St Pauls.
Eran las 3 AM. Y bien la ciudad no dormia.

¿Platicaba acaso con el fantasma o con la imagen ideal?
Y ya lo habia esbosado el momento, compartir, envejecer.
Y asi platicaba con el fantasma y con o con la imagen ideal.

No, sino que me desperté y estaba en un barranco. Solo y sentadito. En verdad es que no había nada y solo había sonado y me había viajado en mi cuaderno borrador. No escrutinaba nada en realidad y solo escurrió una gota de sangre que tampoco en realidad me recordaba nada mas que a la virgen de Fatima.

Así continué mientras observaba sangre y el vapor de agua que salía de boca al respirar. Fumaba. Eran las 4 AM. No leíste la carta . A que sí. A que si no hubieras venido. A que ya no siento nada pues hace mucho frío. A que sí me importa mañana. A que ya estoy acostumbrado y a que a tí no te mueve nada. Fumo más.

Y yo que había corrido desde París en mi prófuga distancia. Y tu no te apareciste. No leíste la carta. No te culpo. Esperaré aquí y a que no sabes lo que te hubiera dicho. No te culpo. Son las 4 AM. El tiempo no pasó.

La luz en rosa en London Bridge. Tu no viniste.

Gelatto dolce. La ri la ra.

Dopo di avere incrocciato la strada, avevo parlato con il Signor Pecorini.
Ma la lunga resistenza nella testa, non poteva dirmi quello que volevo.

E dopo ho urlato, là per strada "Sarebbe bellisimo se restase con loro!"
Mi sono andato via mentre correndo piangevo e piangevo di felicità, ero sordo.

Con una baguetta nel braccio, ed una botiglia di vino chianti. Cantavo... ero libero per la prima volta. E così su strada, tutta bianca, ma con la luce de la notte sorridevo e ballavo. Arriverò da me, pensavo mentre scrutavo quella canzone unica que nona cantava quando piccolo.

"tra la ra li ra la
il orso viene già
e presto si verrà
tra la ra li ra la"

Si vedeva le lucce sempre accese, lì lontano lontano.
3 Strada delle Estelle... Bella unica notte, con mia amica la Luna, alla quale aveva chiesto l'amore de Venus e Marte.

" Ma que bello uccello....
diceva quello orso
che pare un amorso
tra la ra li ra la"

Solamente pensavo se loro penserano a me. Ma non era importante.
Squadra con il fiuma Mavisso. Ecco, casa da lei.
La lucce è spenta, quindi sapeva che lei restava vicino il fuoco, con un livro Fausto, in tedesco chiaro. Tra la ra li ra la.

Quando aprì la porta, lucce dei diversi colori mi hanno sorpreso una volta di più. Già mi ricordavo di come fù quella volta. Amnesia amniotica.
Quando rimanevo con coloro era un po' stranno... ma sempre era felice. E per questo mi sono seduto nella tavola a mangiare il mio pane con il vino, insieme a lei. Tra la ra li la ra. Senza parole, sempre in silenzo, perche sapevo che il momento era migliore cossì nelle lucce. Sapeva che ritornavo della guerra e che a me piaceva mettere il pane insieme con il vino finchè si faceva una mescola che mi ricordeva sua compagnia, e più adosso che stavo vicino a lei. Gli chiamavo "Chianpa" (Dil chianti ed il pane). Chiapna qua, e quianpa lì. Ma solo lo mangiava con lei.

Mi ha pasato un piato d'argento dovè ho visto il destino. Sorrì e ha possato il dite nella bocca.
Il tempo era stanco. E da me " Il orso non dorme più, tra la ra li la ra".

Quando sono uscito ero proprio io. Continuavo il camino à la montagna dell'umbrale. La notte era stata meravigliosa dove avevo conosciuto segretti tantim luogui tanti e diversi silenzi. Felicità. E cossì cantavo:

Tutti tutti gli orseti
giocavano con la neve
tra la ra li ra la
miele miele con la neve
giacchio d'Antonio sarà.

A pastiche: You breath and then I breath. For a second. We live both together and learn from it.

Breath for a second, feel relieved for ten seconds, wait for the air to circulate in the body and spirit, and then plunge back into the depths of your mind…

Now get lost.

For a second.

This bloody moon is making me feel drowned. This is the last night I will suffer for all.

Everything is going too fast, I could bet your attention in an elementary way to get your hands forever.

Someone please help me, I don’t know what to do anymore, where to go. My head just spins incessantly I want to throw up. I can’t bear thinking, breathing, living. Only some things make me happy for a while, some people can entertain me. But what can I do when nothing else passions me?

That’s why I haven’t understood. Look at me the way I am. Swear me that you are a small kid. It’s not impossible to love truly.

I need to fine myself in all this mess that surrounds me. But however much time I spend alone I just can’t seem to focus on my problems or my emotions. It all turns around her, and I hate her for having caught me so low. Had it just been a simple break up, things would have been much easier to digest. Might it be that reality kills you?

That’s why I haven’ thought, but I have been loved.
Or haven’t I?
Never.


I want to fly, but then again, who doesn’t? I’d like to prove myself to some girl that I can fully trust, someone with whom I can cry and laugh freely without contain, but who? Will I ever again?

Of course and energy will force you to ask what is the end of the moon like?
This is so real.
Injuring yourself like this would let you learn now that we stay together.

I’d love to touch, to feel her close to me. This girl that would be someone right now. Not the right one, but just someone. Warmth, something I miss so much and eager to rediscover as soon as possible.
Wake up in the morning, next to each other. Fool around, spend a day strolling around the world, losing and finding each other again.



Isn’t it what I am doing now? Following around. Waiting what ? To die?

A free love. The more time separate, the more emotion in the next moment together. Where is she? I wish she was on the next corner, I’d run to her. No, I’d fly to her, passing by some flower shop, get a rose.

She knows the way I loved her.

Too cliché maybe? Then, a daisy? A tulip? How about just a kiss? A playful kiss, not just a Hollywood one. A fool around one, a young kiss, fresh as her scent, futile a her look in those deep eyes, her sunny face.


This song was for two, and for more other twos, in me.
I am too far now.

My angryness a cause de Lloyds.

I am sweat and its 3 oclock in the morning. Nothing to do. Final exams start in two days and I just went dancing and had some jack daniels with cokes.
It is the beginning of a new era of the same. When I woke up this morning I did not think it was going to finish this way.

It was a normal day, although a bit disappointed as I felt betrayed (now confused) by a person whom which I consider now one of my best friends in Essex. I guess he did not noticed. But, nothing serious. I guess.

And then…

One complete day, trying to solve three bloody micro exercises.

Some jokes about holding a cardboard where written “Do you want to be my friend?” It sounds mean, its not, if you take it with philosophy. Take it as you will.

The happy plant. Some time with Bob and Tom at the lake. Some sun. Sunny essex. Bloddy sun that does not let us study.

I wish I could escape.
Its only two more weeks.

Perfect time. A chat with Carmen, relief... relief...

And then some more. Cooking for her, the blonde girl. No problems. Sharing with people, no problems. And spending time with some people who I don’t consider really my friends (Not all) just bearing in mind that I would never see them again after one year.

I guess I have not watered my trees or I have not done the correct.
I need to call my gardener. I do not how to seed a friend, a job.

Everything is in my head.
Everything.

And then. Tired. Go back to study. Two more hours. Interrupted. No job. No bloody job. It's not your day.

I decided then to go to the Underground. I did, with another friend.
After saying I like you, there was nobody.

Some dances, some music. Some silences.
Some nothing.

Driving drunk to my house.
Thinking about everything,
Writing it,

Phone call from Matt..

Three o’clock
Its too late.







I guess I really should have one cardboard: Looking for a new life.

On pense que tout le monde pense la meme chose, quelques fois, bien si les gens pensent. Thoughts for a blog. by Daniel Abarca

Encore une journée écroulée un moment sauve, un autre perdu. En cet instant je me demande que deviens-je, qu’attends-je ? ce fut une journée agréable, mais a la fois sans grande productivité, sans grand intérêt. Mais encore, comment savoir quand est-ce qu’on a réussi a obtenir le plus possible de chaque minute, chaque seconde qui glisse entre nos mains. Le temps est si fragile, si pur et limpide. Il ne peut être possédé, contenu ni arrêté. Cette abstraction qui détermine tous les moments qui nous définissent et nous forment, les secondes qui nous permettent des comprendre, les minutes qui nous laissent écouter, les heures qui nous font réfléchir, les jours qui nous permettent de vivre, les mois qui nous font de grandir, les années qui nous poussent a mûrir.
Le temps est immuable et puissant a la fois. Il ne peut pas être compris, il sert de chagrin pour la plupart, de temps meilleurs ou de moments de peine, de malheur. Comment pet on concevoir une autorité si énorme sous un seul nom ? tic tac font les horloges. Dali avait bien raison, le temps, inconsistant, inconstant, intenable. Chaque moment de bonheur devrait s’arrête et chaque instant de chagrin devrait être oublie aussi rapidement possible, disent les plus naïfs.Mais alors, comment saurions-nous quels représenteraient le bien et le mal si nous n’avons vécu rien d’autre ? yin yang, l’équilibre des émotions permet la stabilité de l’esprit humain.même les plus résistants se retrouvent parmi les faibles quand il s’agit des sentiments les plus forts, tel l’amour et la tristesse. Les deux vont de pair dit-on. Sans doute. Et alors ? serait-il si mauvais que les deux aillent ensembles ? peut on rester éternellement sur une île de joie et amour, sans donner d’importance au monde qui nous entoure ? ne serait-ce pas une des décisions les plus dangereuses ? la temptation d’autres et de nouveautes compte comme une des sources pour l’amour. Si nous n’aurions aucun intérêt pour les autres, comment pourrions nous contraster ce que nous ressentons a l’instant si nous ne connaissons rien d’autre ? l’homme vivra t-il donc toujours dans l’incertitude de ses propres émotions ? peut être bien, ne s’agit-il pas la d’un détail de la vie ? la vie serait un bel ennui si on possédait l’assurance de tout savoir puisqu’il n’y aurait plus de nouvelles frontières a dépasser.

Tout retourne sur nous-même, nous correspond et a la fois nous est si étrange, si lointain, hors de notre portée. Faut il qu nous songions véritable a quoi faire de nos journées. Faut il les planifier pour en tirer le plus d’avantage possible ? en regardant par la fenêtre, je soupire en songeant a ces journées qui raccourcissent, rendent le temps invisible dans l’obscurité des nuits prématurées. Accélérons le pas pour parvenir a notre destination plus rapidement. Mais une fois la, sommes nous vraiment plus heureux ? ne sont pas les instants de solitude et de réflexion aussi, si ce n’est pas plus, précieux pour l’âme de l’homme ?
Quel plaisir d’accomplir le plus de tâches possible si ce n’est pas dans le but d’ensuite y songer, de philosopher sur ce que nous avons accompli pendant la journée.

Moi aussi. G.A.C.H.

Phony Poetry

I am on tonight.

I most do nothing
And believe in the circular time
I should believe
That I am in constant pain
No more happiness, I wanted to be free
My heart is lonely now and I want to share it.
I wish I could hold you one more time.

My moment stops.
Have you realized about when I
Gazed at you, stared at you.
And have the time to hold
you for one more time.

We were playing bubbles
We didn’t care, we did care
well, I suppose we had
Hope you don’t change
in a bad manner of course I
want you to remain, stay.

I am on tonight.
No fighting.

count and count the damages. v.2005

Close your eyes and tell me if you lived these moments with me.

IntenSity
Running along the Danube while it snows in Budapest.
Walking around the cathedral plaza after having two mojitos. Splash. It snows.

InTenSITY
The maid of the mist, crossing from Niagara Falls to Buffalo and admire the power of nature at the Waterfalls.

intensiTY
A small trip to the Mexican caribbean, I worked there. I had a big big chat with one friend older than me around a big amount of tonics.

INtenSIty
A friend in one hand and a bottle of Cotes du Rhones in the other one, while listening to Feist in his little French apartment, say Lyon.

INtensitY
Tepoztlan Mexico.I climbed a mountain with my best friends, and then climbed a pyramid and realised the value of friendship.

inteNSIty
Driving a green Trans Am from Vaughan to Toronto to see my friends girlfriend and going clubbing in DownTown. Only VIP

INteNsitY
Barry Barry Barry I used to take my bike to go around the golf fields after fixing breakfast for my aunts every morning. Ontario.

IntEnsiTy
I made two new friends in Rome, while eating pig in Ariccia and getting pissed with honey wine. Bob and Giulio.

intensity
A guy ran away with my camera in Dublin, after having dinner at Temple bar with Jenni and Deidre

e-ntensIty
I pop in with Shani at Musee d’Orsay. We were watching Van Gohs and then had cup of tea at Cluny. We'll visit Georgetown, Washington.

INTENsity
Four days of pool, and wine, and sangria at Madrid with my best friends. Nice time!

InteNsitY
Largest City in the World.
I dropped three tears at a Chinese restaurant in my city after knowing the health status of grandma. I don’t want to lose her.

InteNSITY
Let me walk at the Pier. I love sunny Brighton with a coke and baguette, staring at the horizon. UK

INTENSITy
I had the first conversation about my topic with a friend, for the first time I was being realistic and frank. U of Essex

interintensity
He was dancing at Mezzanote in Acapulco, I was dancing as well, they were looking at us.

Intensitivity
Dancing? Shall we dance salsa next to Cambridge Train Station? Or eat some sushi? Right Sophia and Rittesh

Beat Beat Beat like Bethoven he (Bob) says. Beat beat beat live goes by.
Next year, more damages.

Errata to Some new Histoires

Let’s face Walpurgis and its consequences. There is nothing more I could ask. That’s a joke as it would be a decision, my decision.
In my place the elfs, nymphs and tlalocs danced and twirled like no one.

That same summer I decided to sacrifice the black July and lived my passions in a milk glass. Mr. Loffman ran away as soon as he saw me next to the lake, that made me go straight to Robert, but I was astonished to find out that he had gone away for three weeks. I cried.

Some new HISTOIRES from other lives.

I used to come here when I was just a child. And I played here and there, going from this side to the other as a happy bunny, exploring the world, jumping enthusiastically. And my friend Robert was there, dressed with short trousers, ready to go to Sunday mass with Bishop Curberthson. Bishop always came after service to have minced pies and tea, while we played next to the lake.

So, he left and went who knows where, and left me without friends, games or sage. Since then I don’t play, I just write and read under my favourite tree, my beautiful oak that covers me with its old and rusty and wrinkled arm leafs. My happiness went by, and my contentious eagerness disappeared in a period of no more than three weeks.

My winter collapsed when my father left. It was just aunty Mary, mom and grandpa. What a scrumptious combination leaving me here with all those! He has the fault. Those teas and smiles just disappeared, suddenly. A non-paradise place became my house. Then is when I decided to disappear and look for Robert. For he understood me, he was just more than my friend.

I wish Spring would come now, so I could play with those nymphs that covered my jiggles and tickles. There is nothing more I could ask.
IT FEELS SO GOOD AS MY IMMUNITY FOR PAIN INCREASES